I had a bit of an “aha!” moment yesterday. Actually, there have been a lot of those in the past few days, mixed with the deep emotions of the past week, both sweet and difficult, and the numerous encounters and conversations I’ve had with some amazing people.
I can’t say that the learning has been fun or even easy. While my interactions with friends and neighbors and family has been rich and deep and wonderful, in the background – in the deep recesses of my heart, soul and mind – there have been a plethora of these “aha!” moments that have been both beautiful and frightening. And every “aha!” moment seems to be accompanied by a new set of questions.
Which is why I haven’t written the past couple of days.
To give just one example, I was considering the nemesis of addiction. There have been so many stories in the news and with so many people that I’ve talked to, that I couldn’t get it off of my mind.
It went beyond the “obvious” culprits of drugs, alcohol, sex, food, etc. It’s easy to look at someone who struggles with any one of these and piously think of them with pity or disgust.
But the fact of the matter is, each and every one of us wrestles with some kind of addiction in our lives. Something that has such a hold on us that it is our “go to” when we are stressed, afraid or feel out of control. Busyness, work, family, friends even. Good things that have taken the spot of our First Love in terms of our attention or have become our source of refuge. Essentially, whatever we turn to as a first response to our circumstances has become our object of worship. Our idol.
Here is where my thinking was tweaked a bit in the past few days. This is not limited to things that we enjoy or that bring us pleasure. It can be anxiety (grrrrrr!), fear, anger, bitterness, despair. If my heart turns toward any of these things when my circumstances shift or when I feel vulnerable, then even something ugly has become my god. If I give in to the all consuming hold of these negative emotions and let myself dwell there, then I am bowing down in surrender to an idol.
If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you know that the idol I struggle with is anxiety. I had come to believe that it was merely my “thorn in the flesh”, allowed to draw me closer to Jesus and to keep me on my knees.
But with the emotions of this past week, I found that it was consuming me, heart, soul, body and mind.
And then I met my new friend Erika for coffee yesterday morning…:-)
Erika is a wonderful free spirit who loves Jesus from the depths of her soul. Like anyone who has this type of intimacy with God, she has found it through adversity and the ups and downs of real life. She thinks in word pictures like I do and has a way of communicating with me in my own language that speaks deeply to my heart.
We were discussing this nemesis of anxiety and she said something that made me think. Instead of regarding my anxiety as just an irritant to bring me to my knees, what if I looked on it as a fresh opportunity every time I experience it? When Satan tries to discourage me with its presence and I feel that pit in the stomach or that knot in my chest creeping in, what if I see it as a sweet reminder of how much Jesus loves me? What if it serves not as a thorn, but as a beacon?
What if my response is not to cower to its claws but to release its powerful grip with the stronger hands of praise? What if each time I experience this former “idol” I become a little bit stronger in my reaction to it until, without even thinking about it, it brings me to song and conversation with Jesus, not because I’m afraid of it, but because it has reminded me of my true God?
We all wrestle with some kind of addiction. Some idol. Something that occupies our thoughts and captures our attention in a lopsided way. Something that is too heavy in the balance that has outweighed our love for God. Something that needs to be taken down to size and laid at the foot of a cross that took on every addiction we could ever possibly experience.
Thank you, sweet Erika, for helping me with this “aha!” moment and walking me down a new path of thought. Jesus used your voice in my ear. 🙂
Deuteronomy 6:5 – Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Philippians 4:6 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
