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“Passing” comments do not always pass. Sometimes they stick. Though the person saying them may not give them a second thought, the person receiving them may be stuck with them for the rest of their life.  In third grade, I remember a teacher (not even mine) getting after me for running in the hall and told me that I “wasn’t a good citizen”.  Ouch.  For some reason I’m still not sure of, that haunted me for a very long time, and still, obviously, I remember it’s lasting sting.  I’m sure the teacher forgot those words immediately after she said them, but for the rest of my elementary career, I was sure that that particular teacher hated me.

A couple of weeks ago I received another comment.  It was said in “passing” and I think might have been actually meant as a compliment, but it has plagued my brain for the last few days.  Fortunately, I don’t remember who said it or even the exact setting.  It was in reference to either my decorating or my clothing or my writing.  I can’t remember.  But the comment was, “You don’t see things like other people do.”   I think they meant that I see a different purpose for things, or come at things from a completely different angle, or put things together differently.  And though I don’t think they meant it negatively, it lightly brushed against some of my insecurities.

See, I feel like there is a part of my brain that didn’t fully develop like other people’s.  My exuberance for life comes from a place of  “living in the moment” and sometimes I don’t think I possess the ability to plan or think ahead fully.  My “childlike” attitude stems from a naive trust.  My creative endeavors seem to occupy much more of my mind than any practical thought processes. I get excited about the big picture – the vision – but have trouble with the details of getting there. Relationship always trumps rules.   I sometimes feel like the female version of Peter Pan…

And in these respects, I often feel like a disappointment to other “normal” adults.  Like I can’t keep up with their calendars and organization.  Their thought processes and plans.  Each day for me feels like a new adventure and the thought of looking too far ahead escapes me and frankly, overwhelms me. This is where I feel as if I am stunted.

On the heels of this comment came an experience this week that opened that wound again.  It wasn’t so much the words that were said by this person this time, but the tone with which it was said, that made me feel once again like I was not enough, that I just didn’t get it.  I know they didn’t mean it that way, but it shut me down, and I felt a protective wall threatening to place a brick.  And walls and a “childlike” spirit do not co-exist well together.

We all have insecurities.  Things that make us feel different or unacceptable or afraid.  And knowing that I need to be so very careful and deliberate and intentional with my words and my tone.  Words are powerful and tone is potent.  They can bring great healing or great harm.  I want my words to encourage and build up and honor others.  I want to be sensitive to the fact that life is fragile and so are people and need to be handled with great care.  I want to put my “honey” where my mouth is – sweet to the ears and satisfying to the soul.

Proverbs 12:25 –  Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

Proverbs 16:24 – Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.


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xo, jana

 

 

 

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