Today I had what could be termed a meltdown. Fell apart. Tears spilling. Heart breaking. Gut wrenching. It was raw. It was real. It was ugly. And it was good.
I really don’t think that my biggest struggle is pride. It seems like the way I live life and make so many mistakes on any given day that I am in a contant state of humility, just by circumstances alone. And most of the time I am okay with that. Most of the time…
I also don’t consider myself a control freak. Life continually changes on a dime and generally I realize that I have very little say in what goes on around me. And most of the time I am okay with that. Most of the time…
But then out of nowhere, I am hit with a picture of my own heart and realize that there is still a deep core of pride and a desire for control over my life. And it’s like a panic button gets hit sometimes when I recognize how small and insignificant I am and how little I dictate my destiny.
Today was that day. I won’t go into all the ugly details here, but let’s just say Jesus brought me again to my knees. That horrific, painful, glorious place where I should always be. On my face before Him, eyes looking desperately into His, ears aching for a word from Him. Arms outstretched to receive all that He is and all that He has and all that He wants to do in my life. That place where I am at the end of myself, where in every sense I have come to a place of giving up, of “surrender”, of knowing I am not the answer to my own or anyone else’s problems. Where desperation breeds full embrace and dependence on the One who IS the answer.
I am emotionally exhausted, and yet strangely re-energized and at peace. Jesus purged me of me today and it hurt like hell, but as the violent retching abates, it now feels like a glimpse of heaven in this afterglow of release and rest.
It will happen again. Life will get busy and chaotic and overwhelming and my tendency will be to fix it all and fight for it all once more. But for today, I am giving up that fight and giving in to the peace that comes from falling into the arms of my Savior and depending on Him to fight for me..
