(And here we are, starting this journey together.  It’s okay if you’re scared.  I was, too.  In fact, I’m still a little nervous at the prospect of putting this all out there.  But we will both be okay – you bringing your story and me sharing mine.  This is a journey toward deep healing that will impact every area of our lives.  And in my book, wholeness is worth the risk. 🙂 You’re not alone…)

Every story has a beginning…

This is no different with our stories of Shame.

Today I will tell you where my story began. Where the Shameless Project emerged from. Why my attention has been focused on writing a book on the subject. Why I have been largely absent from the blog for a year and why my passion on the subject of Shame runs so deep.

But sometimes beginnings are hard to find.

Initally, I would have said that the beginning started at my ending. My undoing.

Nearly a year ago, on January 18, 2017, if you were a fly on the wall, you would have seen me crumpled on the floor of my kitchen overcome by the kind of devastation that happens to a soul when its entire world seems to collapse.

Sometimes situations beyond our control can take us down to our knees.  Literally.

I felt all the feels that Shame dishes out when life hits hard and you can’t stop it no matter how hard you’ve tried.

Fear of abandonment, of judgment.  What will people say or at least think?

Comparison. No one will understand because it has never happened to them.

Perfectionism.  How could this happen to US?

Control Issues. I have to DO SOMETHING, but what? How can I stop this? I can’t stop this!

Anxiety.  I’m gonna die!

(Shame never worries about sounding rational.)

Through vomitous tears I kept repeating the words, “I can’t do this anymore!”, barely recognizing my own voice.

What I really meant was, “I can’t do this ALONE anymore!”

Shame told me to hide with my story for so many reasons. I had practiced hiding for so long that it felt natural.

But healing required something counterintuitive:

– Being vulnerable

– Sharing my struggle

– Letting go of my ego

My story of coming out of Shame began with an email to close family and friends declaring the need for help and support.  Letting my tears splash a little bit on others.

Or so it would appear.

But looking back a little further, January of 2014 to be precise, I would say my journey out of Shame may have started then.

See?  Sometimes beginnings are hard to find.

In one moment, through one earth-shattering message staring at me from my computer, I was forced to look at a part of me that I’d never thought I would have become.  A sin that in my earlier years I would have shaken a judgmental finger at and said, “I will NEVER…”

Moral failure left me with Shame’s voice ringing in my ears, pointing the same arrogant finger that I once used, to point directly at me.

Fear.  What will people say? What will they think of me?

Comparison.  No one else I know has done this!

Perfectionism.  How could I have done this???

Control Issues.  I have to fix this!  And now!  For everyone involved! And I can’t fix this!

Anxiety. I’m gonna die!!!

Notice the pattern?

Shame is sly, but not necessarily original in his methods.

And in this case, too, he directed me toward isolation instead of what my soul truly needed.

– Being vulnerable

– Sharing my struggle

– Letting go of my ego

I was emotionally wrecked. I found myself in need of an amount of forgiveness I didn’t think was attainable, let alone deserved. From God.  From others.

This, I would have told you then, was my first brush with Shame.

But beginnings are hard to find sometimes.

And through this past year of counseling, introspection, intensive reading, deep study and heart delving, I have learned that my struggle with Shame and my long journey out of its grip began long before I was even aware of it.

At the sweet age of 5, Shame began reading me a fable whose lies would be repeated throughout my entire life deep within the confines of my own mind and soul. And I didn’t even know it.

But that’s a story for tomorrow…:-)

See you in the morning…

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. ” – Brene Brown

“Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more…” – Isaiah 54:4

xoxoxo

j