I know that many of my friends had a special weekend with friends and family. A time to get away and rejuvenate and rekindle and relax.
I’m happy for them. I really am. A little jealous, yes. But very happy for them 🙂
My weekend, on the other hand, was less than the idyllic scene I had envisioned when I heard that Saturday would be spent inside with the snow falling all day long. I pictured a fire in the fireplace, comfy in my sweats. No makeup. No schedule. Just a time for my mind to calm down for a day and push out the reality of the limbo that still remains.
It started off well:
Fire in the fireplace. Check.
Comfy sweats. Check.
No makeup. Check.
No schedule. Check.
But the part where my mind was supposed to go into a semi-coma zone? Yeah, that never happened. My brain seemed to be on overdrive, whizzing back and forth in my head, but not really going anywhere at all. Over the weekend I found out where my max is in living in the “unknown” zone. I hit that max. I didn’t just bump into it. I smashed head first into that wall.
When things hit the wall, what’s left isn’t pretty. And my crash didn’t disappoint. Tears. More tears. A feeling of being trapped. Stuck. No direction to move ANY direction. I felt paralyzed in my thinking, my creativity, my planning. The sick feeling that I get in my stomach when I realize I have no control over a quicker answer. It’s out of my hands.
The funny thing is, you’d think I could rest in the fact that my hands aren’t responsible for determining the future. My mind doesn’t have to figure out all the ins and outs, all the details that determine if one choice is better than the other. It will be decided for us. My eyes don’t have to be able to see into the future to know what lies on the other side of the decision.
Because the fact of the matter is this: Whether or not Mark gets this San Francisco job is not even in just the hands of the people making the final decision. God has an ultimate, bigger plan that goes beyond what we know, beyond what even the hiring team knows. It’s a plan that’s bigger than where we live or what we end up doing. Because we have bathed this opportunity in constant prayer, we can know that if God closes this door it is for our good AND theirs. And turning from that closed door allows us to see an open window we hadn’t noticed before. Or maybe it’s a window that up to this point had been closed and now fresh air comes rushing through it.
Limbo can leave you feeling like there is no place to plant your feet. Floating, but not in a good way. But nothing could be further from the truth. God’s hand is around both me and the limbo. The limbo still touches me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am held. The floating sensation is still contained in the grip of Him who loves me more than I know.
This won’t last forever. We keep telling ourselves that. And though we are weary with waiting, we do have peace, knowing that no matter what happens, it is no surprise to God. It’s just the beginning of the next part of His plan and our story…
And I will trust you, Jesus…
Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 16:3 – Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
