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Psalm 56:8-11

You have kept count of my tossings;  put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me.  In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.

I am sitting at home on a snowy day in a quiet house with just Jesus and my computer.  I am listening to worship music and singing and crying and reading and writing.  And contemplating.

I have struggled with a certain sadness mixed with fear the past couple of days.  You could probably tell that by the past few posts I’ve written.  I don’t specifically understand where all of it stems from, but I know that most of it comes from internal struggles of my own.  My own doubts, fears, insecurities.  Not pretty stuff.  Not stuff I am proud of.

One thing that I have discovered that is a trigger for me is a sense of  anxiety.  I think I have struggled with this all my life.  And I believe that this fear comes from a sense (though inaccurate) that I need to be all things to all people and the accompanying fear that (obviously) I will fail at this.  I long to bring joy and enlightenment and encouragement to every person I encounter and if I fail then I have failed them.  I carry an immense amount of love for Jesus within me that I feel so inept in accurately portraying or sharing with others in a way that they can understand His love.  Another sense of failure.  This mixture of being so full of something that I want so desperately to share and yet feeling totally unworthy or ill equipped to do so.   It leaves me feeling anxious, fearful, alone.   I am not enough.

And it’s true….I’m NOT enough.  And it’s these every-so-often-crying-on-my-knees days that remind me of that.  I am not enough.  I never will be.  I can’t be.  And Jesus never asked that of me.  Because He IS enough.  If I were to die tomorrow, He would carry on with His amazing plans just fine without me.  But He does WANT me to join him.  And the best part?  He WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.  Even when I fail.  Even when I don’t know what do next.  When I don’t have the strength or will or creativity to be “productive”.

Read the verses again.  As David said, GOD IS FOR ME….AND I WILL NOT BE AFRAID.  My enemies turn and run.  My enemies of fear, doubt, anxiety and dread flee.  And the “tossings and tears” that I have cried because of them, God will keep in His bottle.  A reminder of His care and His presence.

I know that for the rest of my life I will battle self-doubt, fear and anxious thoughts.  Though they are the enemy, they put me in the place I long to always be.  At the feet of my God.  My God who is FOR ME and WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.  And there, and only there, lies my confidence.


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I promise to send some encouragement your way, and a bit of hope for the soul...

xo, jana

 

 

 

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